Recently, while watching the evening news on my PhillipsT brand television and relaxing on my IkeaT futon I was informed that all of the millions of dollars of aid money the US has sent to Indonesia, Thailand, and the other nations affected by December’s tsunami will do little more than cover the cost of medical treatment for the wounded and ill and perhaps rebuild severely damaged areas in more densely populated regions of the Indonesian coastline; the question still remains how the economies will recover from the devastation the earthquake and ensuing tsunami left. This news troubled me, and being a good American citizen I sought out to find a way to help the poor, homeless children on the other side of the world. During a commercial break I was reminded of how the American public began down the road of recovery following 9/11 and began to formulate a plan for the uncertain financial state of affairs in the tsunami-struck countries. The key lies in commercializing the tragedy and capitalizing on the popularity that pain has been granted around the world.
In my plan I envision the United States will lead a Coalition of the Willing on a world-wide campaign to merchandise on this natural disaster. President Bush will declare a “War on Nature”. This will require that all participating countries make a small investment that will require repayment-with a suitable 12% commission out of interest, of course. By the end of the war the US will be able to prevent future disasters as we will have accumulated more money than God-let’s see that bastard hit us with another tsunami then. All dealings will be run through Swiss banks, ensuring the maximum rebate from our investments by way of interest. Plus, Switzerland will guarantee a certain degree of tact and discretion about banking figures, just like for the Nazis during World War II.
The US and the UK will stand united as the leaders of this mission (no matter how far we go or how ridiculous our efforts become), holding fast in typical fashion by forcing the Chinese to mass-produce the Kofi Annan and Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono (the current Indonesian president) “Tsunami Action FiguresT”, complete with kung fu grip and WHO documentation on South Pacific cases of cholera and malaria resulting from the tsunami. The action figures will be sold in malls and shopping centers in Banda Aceh and Phuket for USD $14.99 each. Not only does this help the tsunami-struck nations of the South Pacific, but it also provides the Chinese people with more capitalist opportunities by allowing them to work in sweat shops for pennies on the dollar. Hence, the US will have helped more people than would be by simply sending foreign aid money which is the ultimate goal of American foreign policy, after all.
Let’s not forget about the British, though. Our international partners in this project will be given the opportunity to represent their efforts with a product as well as the money used to help light the flame of Indonesian merchandizing. The UK will recall their glory days of Imperialism and the patriotic feeling they had trading with American colonies in the 18th Century. In the spirit of Sir Walter Raleigh, factories will be built on the beaches of Indonesia, Sri Lanka, and Malaysia to make and distribute “Tsalt-water Tsoaked Tsunami TaffyT”. Even a person without a home has a sweet tooth that needs to be satisfied. Who wants to rebuild their country on an empty stomach?
Late night infomercials will be shown on Indonesian cable and satellite TV once we sell them SonysT, ToshibasT, and MagnavoxsT on which to watch. This provides the Japanese an opportunity to aid their neighbors to the Southwest. The infomercials will advertise for and sell commemorative porcelain plates, each depicting the moment of the tsunamis impact with the beach. The plates will be made in Canada and will be stamped with a crimson maple leaf on the back, giving the collectibles a degree of class that cannot be compared to anything short of an antique. No Indonesian will ever forget the nostalgia of losing a home, parent, or child once the image of a hundred-foot-high wave has been permanently emblazoned onto a commemorative plate. Plates will be limited to three per household, though, ensuring that they will increase in value.
Once the area affected by the earthquake and all of its side effects has been supplied with malls, shopping centers, and discount stores developed by Sam Walton (let’s call them Indo-Mart for now), all complete with products stacked floor to ceiling, aimed at a domestic tsunami relief fund for each specific nation, the door will open for us to extend out hands to entrepreneurial, self-funded merchants in chintzy gift shops all over the streets and beaches of every wave-struck country. To repay the favor these nations have done America by sending their most illustrious citizens to the US, who have been operating similar gift shops on the streets of New York and LA for years, we will send Ted Turner and Bill Gates to operate the Banda Aceh and Kalutara branches of these small stands. These shops will sell “Tsunami Tsand” in heat-stressed PepsiT and Coca-ColaT bottles. The sand and bottles will be collected from the rubbish-strewn beaches of Sri Lanka for free, then sold for anywhere between USD $4.99 and USD $14.99, depending on the season. Tourists will also be able to show their altruism and good-nature by aiding the tattered economies of these nations by buying “Tsunami Tsusan Tseashells” with “Tsunami-google eyes”, bootlegged VHS and DVD videos of the tsunami, and vinyl magnets depicting a massive blue wave crushing tiny huts while small brown natives in grass skirts run, terrified- this way, Americans will always be able to treasure the time-honored image we have of these people.
Affordable cotton T-Shirts will be available everywhere in the devastated countries, from street corners to high-priced stores and upscale shopping centers. They will bear slogans ranging from the classic “I Survived the 2004 Tsunami and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” designs to the patriotic image of the national flags of all affected nations and the caption “These Colors Don’t Run in Cold Water”. Novelty shirts will be available for those with a healthy sense of humor about themselves, featuring a silk-screened image of the wave and bright red letters reading “Fuck It in Phuket!” Everywhere in the world (even in countries not remotely affected by the disaster) people will don caps, T-Shirts, and bumper stickers bearing these slogans. Soon, we will be one world destroyed by the tsunami, united by the pain we all feel from the effects of the tsunami.
Once these products have hit the streets in every nation on the Indian Ocean’s coastlines, economies will be flooded with money as people spend more and more every day to exploit the tragedy of the earthquake and the tsunami for personal gain, each customer trying to believe that they are somehow supporting a relief fund and not simply the merchant alone. Any doubts on this hope will not be enough to close the wallets of the naive or the bank accounts of the greedy. The dollars and cents will flow like water, leaving the economies stronger than ever. After all, like I said before, this system worked in America following 9/11, and if it could slightly ease the suffering caused by the loss of roughly 2,800 Americans it will surely make people forget all about the 212,000 dead on the other side of the world.
Nicholas Faehl
Nicholas Faehl
Trade-Marking the Tragedy
Recently, while watching the evening news on my PhillipsT brand television and relaxing on my IkeaT futon I was informed that all of the millions of dollars of aid money the US has sent to Indonesia, Thailand, and the other nations affected by December’s tsunami will do little more than cover the cost of medical treatment for the wounded and ill and perhaps rebuild severely damaged areas in more densely populated regions of the Indonesian coastline; the question still remains how the economies will recover from the devastation the earthquake and ensuing tsunami left. This news troubled me, and being a good American citizen I sought out to find a way to help the poor, homeless children on the other side of the world. During a commercial break I was reminded of how the American public began down the road of recovery following 9/11 and began to formulate a plan for the uncertain financial state of affairs in the tsunami-struck countries. The key lies in commercializing the tragedy and capitalizing on the popularity that pain has been granted around the world.
In my plan I envision the United States will lead a Coalition of the Willing on a world-wide campaign to merchandise on this natural disaster. President Bush will declare a “War on Nature”. This will require that all participating countries make a small investment that will require repayment-with a suitable 12% commission out of interest, of course. By the end of the war the US will be able to prevent future disasters as we will have accumulated more money than God-let’s see that bastard hit us with another tsunami then. All dealings will be run through Swiss banks, ensuring the maximum rebate from our investments by way of interest. Plus, Switzerland will guarantee a certain degree of tact and discretion about banking figures, just like for the Nazis during World War II.
The US and the UK will stand united as the leaders of this mission (no matter how far we go or how ridiculous our efforts become), holding fast in typical fashion by forcing the Chinese to mass-produce the Kofi Annan and Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono (the current Indonesian president) “Tsunami Action FiguresT”, complete with kung fu grip and WHO documentation on South Pacific cases of cholera and malaria resulting from the tsunami. The action figures will be sold in malls and shopping centers in Banda Aceh and Phuket for USD $14.99 each. Not only does this help the tsunami-struck nations of the South Pacific, but it also provides the Chinese people with more capitalist opportunities by allowing them to work in sweat shops for pennies on the dollar. Hence, the US will have helped more people than would be by simply sending foreign aid money which is the ultimate goal of American foreign policy, after all.
Let’s not forget about the British, though. Our international partners in this project will be given the opportunity to represent their efforts with a product as well as the money used to help light the flame of Indonesian merchandizing. The UK will recall their glory days of Imperialism and the patriotic feeling they had trading with American colonies in the 18th Century. In the spirit of Sir Walter Raleigh, factories will be built on the beaches of Indonesia, Sri Lanka, and Malaysia to make and distribute “Tsalt-water Tsoaked Tsunami TaffyT”. Even a person without a home has a sweet tooth that needs to be satisfied. Who wants to rebuild their country on an empty stomach?
Late night infomercials will be shown on Indonesian cable and satellite TV once we sell them SonysT, ToshibasT, and MagnavoxsT on which to watch. This provides the Japanese an opportunity to aid their neighbors to the Southwest. The infomercials will advertise for and sell commemorative porcelain plates, each depicting the moment of the tsunamis impact with the beach. The plates will be made in Canada and will be stamped with a crimson maple leaf on the back, giving the collectibles a degree of class that cannot be compared to anything short of an antique. No Indonesian will ever forget the nostalgia of losing a home, parent, or child once the image of a hundred-foot-high wave has been permanently emblazoned onto a commemorative plate. Plates will be limited to three per household, though, ensuring that they will increase in value.
Once the area affected by the earthquake and all of its side effects has been supplied with malls, shopping centers, and discount stores developed by Sam Walton (let’s call them Indo-Mart for now), all complete with products stacked floor to ceiling, aimed at a domestic tsunami relief fund for each specific nation, the door will open for us to extend out hands to entrepreneurial, self-funded merchants in chintzy gift shops all over the streets and beaches of every wave-struck country. To repay the favor these nations have done America by sending their most illustrious citizens to the US, who have been operating similar gift shops on the streets of New York and LA for years, we will send Ted Turner and Bill Gates to operate the Banda Aceh and Kalutara branches of these small stands. These shops will sell “Tsunami Tsand” in heat-stressed PepsiT and Coca-ColaT bottles. The sand and bottles will be collected from the rubbish-strewn beaches of Sri Lanka for free, then sold for anywhere between USD $4.99 and USD $14.99, depending on the season. Tourists will also be able to show their altruism and good-nature by aiding the tattered economies of these nations by buying “Tsunami Tsusan Tseashells” with “Tsunami-google eyes”, bootlegged VHS and DVD videos of the tsunami, and vinyl magnets depicting a massive blue wave crushing tiny huts while small brown natives in grass skirts run, terrified- this way, Americans will always be able to treasure the time-honored image we have of these people.
Affordable cotton T-Shirts will be available everywhere in the devastated countries, from street corners to high-priced stores and upscale shopping centers. They will bear slogans ranging from the classic “I Survived the 2004 Tsunami and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” designs to the patriotic image of the national flags of all affected nations and the caption “These Colors Don’t Run in Cold Water”. Novelty shirts will be available for those with a healthy sense of humor about themselves, featuring a silk-screened image of the wave and bright red letters reading “Fuck It in Phuket!” Everywhere in the world (even in countries not remotely affected by the disaster) people will don caps, T-Shirts, and bumper stickers bearing these slogans. Soon, we will be one world destroyed by the tsunami, united by the pain we all feel from the effects of the tsunami.
Once these products have hit the streets in every nation on the Indian Ocean’s coastlines, economies will be flooded with money as people spend more and more every day to exploit the tragedy of the earthquake and the tsunami for personal gain, each customer trying to believe that they are somehow supporting a relief fund and not simply the merchant alone. Any doubts on this hope will not be enough to close the wallets of the naive or the bank accounts of the greedy. The dollars and cents will flow like water, leaving the economies stronger than ever. After all, like I said before, this system worked in America following 9/11, and if it could slightly ease the suffering caused by the loss of roughly 2,800 Americans it will surely make people forget all about the 212,000 dead on the other side of the world.